Ni To Iu Hitokiri
by wombat
Summary: "The hitokiri who says ni" -thanks to Shihali! Dialogue and situations liberally adapted from various Monty Python routines.
1. duck

More random silliness; potentially first in a series of equally random unfortunate events. I   
think/hope the title means "the hitokiri who says ni", but since I'm making this up as I go   
along, don't quote me on that....  
  
(Well, you can probably quote Shihali, who generously provided the corrected version of   
this title. Thanks! :) )   
  
Ni To Iu Hitokiri   
by wombat   
  
"We've found a hitokiri! May we shag him?"   
  
"Oro! I'm not a hitokiri. Well, not any more. And *they* dressed me up like this! This   
isn't my scar, it's a false one!"   
  
"Did you dress him up like this?"   
  
"Well, we did do the scar. And the pink gi. But he is a hitokiri!"   
  
"How do you know he is a hitokiri?"   
  
"He turned me into a tanuki! ...well, I got better. But shag him anyway!"   
  
"There are ways of telling whether he is a hitokiri. Tell me, what do you do with   
hitokiri?"   
  
"Shag them!"   
  
"And what else can be shagged?"   
  
"More hitokiri!" (whap) "A rug!"   
  
"Very good. So, why are hitokiri shaggable?"   
  
"Because... they're made... of rugs? That's right-- lay him flat on the floor and roll around   
on him!"   
  
"Wait, wait. Tell me-- do rugs collect dust?"   
  
"Yeh..."   
  
"And how do you get dust out of rugs?"   
  
"Spill grape juice on them?" "Get your cat to spit up hairballs?" "Hang   
them over a balcony and beat on them?" ("Oro!")   
  
(Hiko, shishou of the Britons, appears unexpectedly:) "A vacuum cleaner."   
  
(general gasps of astonishment)   
  
"Exactly! So, logically..."   
  
"If we can suck dust out of him... then he's a rug...."   
  
"And therefore...?"   
  
"A hitokiri! Shag him!"   
  
"We shall have to use my larger suction device...."   
  
(Kenshin glares at Sir Saitou and mutters "It's a fair cop" as he's dragged away.   
"Orooooooo...!") 


	2. parrot

(The scene: Katsura walking up a mountain path, near Otsu. He enters a house and greets   
Kenshin, who is kneeling beside Tomoe's body.)  
  
"Hello, jou-chan?"  
  
"What do you mean, jou-chan?"  
  
"I'm sorry, I have a cold. Himura, I heard about--"  
  
"Never mind that. I wish to register a complaint about this here wife you gave me not half   
a year ago."  
  
"...Oh yes, er, the Yukishiro. What's wrong with her?"  
  
"I'll tell you what's wrong with her. She's dead, that's what's wrong with her."  
  
"No, no, she's just resting! Remarkable woman, the Yukishiro... beautiful obi--"  
  
"The obi don't enter into it. I know a dead wife when I see one, and I'm looking at one   
right now..."  
  
"No, I tell you she's resting!"  
  
"All right, if she's resting, let's wake her up!" (leans down and yells into her ear:) "Hello,   
Tomoe-san!"  
  
(Katsura kicks the futon) "There, she moved!"  
  
"No she didn't, that was you kicking the futon!"  
  
"I never!"  
  
(Kenshin leans back down to her ear.) "Wakey wakey, I've got a nice piece of daikon for   
you!" (He whips back the blanket, grabs Tomoe's arm, pulls it off, and hits Katsura with   
it.) "Now that's what I call a dead wife."  
  
"No, she's just-- she's stunned, that's all. You stunned her just as she was waking up! The   
Yukishiro family stuns easily."  
  
"Now, look mate, I've had enough of this. That wife is definitely deceased, and when I   
married her not half a year ago, you assured me that her total lack of expression was due   
to her being tired and shagged out after a long walk from Edo."  
  
"Well then, she's probably pining for her ex-fiance."  
  
"Pining for her ex-fiance? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did she fall flat on her   
back the moment I said I'd protect her?"  
  
"She prefers resting on her back!"  
  
"I took the liberty of examining her once we got to Otsu, and I discovered that the only   
reason her tanto was in her hand was that it'd been nailed there."  
  
(pause)  
  
"Well, of course I had to nail it there! If I hadn't nailed her tanto there, then the moment   
she fell down, it would've flown out of her hand toward your face, and voom!"  
  
"Voom? This woman wouldn't voom if you put four gallons of sake into her! She's   
bleedin' demised!"  
  
"No no, she's pining!"  
  
"She's not pining, she's passed on! This woman is no more! She has ceased to be! She's   
expired and gone to meet her maker! She's a stiff! Bereft of life, she rests in peace! She's   
kicked the bucket, shuffled off her mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the   
bleedin' choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-WIFE!"  
  
(another pause)  
  
"Well, I'd better replace her then." (flips to the end of his little black book) "Sorry, we're   
right out of Yukishiro women. We've got her brother."  
  
"Can he cook?"  
  
"...Not really."  
  
"Then he's hardly a bloody replacement, is he?!"  
  
(Katsura flips forward through the book.) "How about a tanuki, then? She can't cook   
either, but if this doujinshi is correct, she'll shag you like a rabid mink on Spanish Fly."  
  
(Kenshin considers this.) "...Oh, all right then."  
  
(They leave the house together. Katsura tosses a match behind them. As the sake-soaked   
premises burst into flame, Katsura remarks that obviously Tomoe can "voom" after all.   
Kenshin hits him with a rubber chicken. Fade out to montage of figures silhouetted   
against flame, locked in slow-motion combat with more rubber chickens. A close-up   
view of another rubber chicken looms toward the camera until it pops out of the screen to   
smash wombat paws away from the keyboardiw45p9'pwrwr;'we.) 


	3. confuse a cat

[Sano wanders into the kitchen of the Kamiya dojo.]  
  
"Oi, thought I'd drop by in time for dinner—oh, so jou-chan's doing the cooking tonight.   
Never mind."  
  
"And just what is that supposed to mean? We don't even make you pay for your food, not   
that you do at the Akabeko anyway—you ungrateful freeloader!"  
  
[Sano ducks a cascade of miscellaneous kitchen implements] "Jeez, I didn't expect some   
kind of Shinsengumi ambush."  
  
[Saitou and Okita burst in, with Kondou at their forefront as spokesman.] "NOBODY   
expects a Shinsengumi ambush! Our chief weapon is surprise. Surprise and fear. Er. Our   
two chief weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency. ...Our *three* chief   
weapons are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the   
Shogun—Oh, we'll start over."  
  
[They exit. Kaoru looks at Sano. He shrugs.] "I didn't expect some kind of Shinsengumi   
ambush."  
  
"NOBODY expects a Shinsengumi ambush! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse   
elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Shogun,   
and nice blue jackets—oh poo. Okita, you'll have to do this."  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"The speech about out chief weapons. You do it this time."  
  
"But sir, I really can't—"  
  
"Hush!"  
  
[Kondou drags them back out. Okita is suddenly shoved back into the room by himself.   
He looks around uncertainly, trying to suppress a cough.] "Nobody, er, expects a   
Shinsengumi... *coff*"  
  
[He's prompted by a fierce whisper from the other side of the doorway.] "Ambush!"  
  
"Er, yes. *coffcoff* Nobody expects a Shinsengumi ambush. *hack coff* In fact, those   
who do expect it—"  
  
"Our chief weapons!"  
  
"*coff hack coff* Our chief weapons are, er,..." [trails off into a huge fit of coughing and   
collapses into a pile of his own lungs.]  
  
[Kondou re-emerges with Saitou and gingerly shoves Okita back out with his foot..]   
"Right. Nobody expects a Shinsengumi ambush, blah blah blah. You are hereby charged   
with treason against the Shogunate. How do you plead?"  
  
"Innocent."  
  
'Ha! Haha! Hahahaha! Mwahahahahahah! Unrepentant traitors, you shall be punished!   
Captain Saitou, attack them with the Gatotsu!"  
  
[Saitou whips his left hand out from behind his back and brandishes it at them. He is   
holding a small kitten which is meowing confusedly in Spanish.] "Miau?"  
  
[under his breath] "Captain Saitou, what is that?"  
  
"I thought you said to prepare for this mission by training with the gatito."  
  
[closes his eyes for a moment, struggling for patience] "Right. Captain Saitou, attack   
them with the gatito!"  
  
"Miau?"  
  
[Kaoru snatches the kitten and cuddles it.] "Kawaii!"  
  
[Kondou grits his teeth.] "I see you are made of stronger stuff. Captain! Force the other   
one to lie down upon... the comfy futon! Hah! What do you say to that?"  
  
[Sano wiggles around on it and stretches.] "Hey, this is pretty nice. Wanna join me?"  
  
[Saitou whispers fiercely at him.] "Quiet, or he'll tell Tokio! I'll join you in the yaoi   
doujinshi next door after this is done, okay? There's no one else to stand between us now   
that Okita is dead."  
  
[The sound of weak coughing starts up again from the floor.] "I'm not dead yet."  
  
"Yes you are, you'll be stone-dead in a minute." [Kondou tries to kick Okita's grip off his   
ankle.]  
  
"I feel fine! I feel happy! I think I'll go for a walk now—" [Kondou gives him a boot to   
the head. He lies still.]  
  
"Right. That takes care of him. Now for the lot of you—Hey. Where did everyone go?"  
  
[more muffled sounds come from the other side of the stage, appearing to indicate   
someone playing with a cat and someone else engaging in vigorous activity on a futon.   
Curtain falls.] 


	4. rabbit

[The scene: a street in Tokyo. A number of rogues, malcontents, and other such ruffians are gathered outside a gate, where their guide has just brought them.]

"Behold the dojo of Kamiya Kasshin! But enter only if ye be men (or crossdressers) of valor, for it is guarded by a hitokiri so foul and cruel that no man yet has fought with him and lived! At least until he vowed to give up killing, but never mind that part. If he turns his sakabatou, then death awaits you all with little pink socks!"

[They peer around the gate, first with apprehension, then more boldly.]

"So where is this guy? Behind the rurouni?"

"It IS the rurouni!"

"You silly sod, you got us all worked up! I soiled my hakama, I was so scared."

"That's no ordinary rurouni—'tis the most cruel and foul-tempered brother-in-law I've ever had!"

"And how many brothers-in-law have you had?"

"Shut up! That rurouni's got a vicious streak as long as the Tokaido Road. He's a killer!"

"What's he do, wash my gi off?"

*whap* "This isn't a yaoi doujinshi either. I'll go in and kill him. One bloody laundry pail coming right up!"

"Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu Tsui Sen!" *splat*

"Kami H. Sama!"

"I warned you! I told you he was no ordinary rurouni, but would you listen to me? Nooo, it's always the same..."

"Charge!"

[They all charge in except for Enishi, who stands there chuckling quietly. ("Fufufufufu.") Shortly thereafter, they stagger back out.]

"Run away! All right, who did we lose?"

"Usui, Anji, and Soujirou. That's five."

"Three, sir."

"Three. Let us taunt him. Perhaps he will become so cross, he'll make a mistake."

"...Like what?"

"Oh, shut up and go change your hakama. We'll have to attack him from a distance. Do we have Armstrong cannons?"

"Not in this episode. We have got a blowup doll."

"Of course! The blowup doll of Kamiya Kaoru! 'Tis one of the weird-ass things Brother Gein has made! ...How do we use it?"

"Let us consult the Holy Book of Blowup Dolls. 'And Susano-wo spake, saying, first shalt thou inflate the doll with three breaths, no more, no less.'"

"Wouldn't that be Anne Boleyn instead?" *whap*

"'... Three shall be the count of thy breathing, and the count of thy breathing shall be three. Twice thou shalt not breathe, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third nuimber, be reached, then leavest thou the blowup doll in the dojo, where thine enemy shall fall down upon his face after dancing a little jig of despair.'"

"Right! *puff* One... *puff* two... *puff* five!"

"Three, sir!"

"Three!"

[The doll of Kaoru is hurled over the wall. There is a short pause, and then Kenshin goes tearing out toward Rakuninmura, where he has a pressing appointment with a wall to slump on.]

"Praise be to Susano-wo!"

[They rush in just as Kaoru yells, "Kenshin, dinner's ready!" Shortly thereafter, they stagger back out. Kaoru slams the gate behind them.]


	5. here be dragons

(for Zithromax)  
  
[A battle is in progress. Hiko suddenly appears, cuts the bandits to shreds, and helps their lone adversary get up.]  
  
"Are you all right, young lady?"  
  
"Man!"  
  
"Sorry-- young man, then."  
  
"And I'm not that young! I'm twenty-eight!"  
  
"Well, I can't just call you 'Man'."  
  
"You could call me 'Kenshin'. Didn't bother to ask my name, did you?"  
  
"I did say I was sorry about the 'young lady', but from behind, you looked like--"  
  
*whap* "Why does everyone think this is a yaoi doujinshi? What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior."  
  
"Well, I am a master of Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu."  
  
"Of what?"  
  
"The style of swordmanship you were using! You were doing the Sou Ryuu Sen Ikazuchi just now! That's Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu, and I am its sensei! You should acknowledge me as your rightful shishou!"  
  
"Oh, that's very nice. I didn't vote for you."  
  
"You don't vote for shishou!"  
  
"How did you become one, then?"  
  
[shimmery light and music] "My own shishou taught me the Amakakeru Ryu no Hirameki at the cost of his life, and with his last breath, he bestowed upon me this mantle and the title of Hiko Seijurou."  
  
[light and music scrape to a halt] "Listen, dead teachers distributing clothes is no basis for an educational system. A solid curriculum needs a mandate from the school board, not some sartorial deathbed ceremony."  
  
"Be quiet!"  
  
"You can't expect me to acknowledge you as shishou just because some moribund instructor swathed a garment around you."  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"I mean, if I went around saying that I was Musashi because an expiring professor emeritus had clapped an overcloak onto me, they'd put me away!"  
  
"Baka deshi!" *whap*  
  
"Ow! What a giveaway. Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help, I'm being repressed!" 


	6. acting cocky

[Sano and Yahiko are walking in the woods at night when they encounter Kenshin and Kaoru. Sano throws one arm around Kenshin's shoulder, forcing him to lag behind the others as they head back to the dojo, and begins to pummel him with conspiratorial winks and the occasional elbow to the ribs.]  
  
"Been out all night with jou-chan, eh? Way to go!"  
  
[bewildered blinking] "Yes, I'm afraid I had to go rescue Miss Kaoru from Jin'eh."  
  
"I'll bet you did! Rescued her, eh? That must've been tiring, know what I mean? Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more!"  
  
"It was a terrible emotional strain. My inner hitokiri emerged, but she helped me keep it under control."  
  
"Inner hitokiri, eh? Your sakabatou must've had quite a workout, quite a workout indeed! Nudge nudge, wink wink!"  
  
[still puzzled] "At least Miss Kaoru kept me from using it on the other side, or I don't know what would've happened next."  
  
"The other side! You're wicked, eh? Say no more! I guess there's some things she's not ready for, but I bet she can still handle a sword, know what I mean?"  
  
"Well, she is the assistant master of Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu."  
  
[wide-eyed] "Say... no... more! Famous style, Kamiya Kasshin, famous style!"  
  
"But I had to make sure I finished quickly so I could untie her, or she wouldn't've been able to breathe."  
  
"Untied her, eh? I'll bet you did, I'll bet you did!"  
  
"She was upset that I'd stained her scarf when she untied it from me, though."  
  
"Wooooo, you're wicked! Wicked! Know what I mean? Say no more! I bet you learned a thing or two wandering around for ten years, eh? Eh? Eh?"  
  
[stops dead in his tracks, bristling with suspicion and righteous indignation] "Look here, Sano. Are you insinuating something?"  
  
"Well, you have been living with jou-chan all this time, right?"  
  
"Yes. What about it?"  
  
"I mean, you're a man of the world, right?"  
  
"What are you getting at?"  
  
"That is, you've... slept with a lady."  
  
"...Yes, and...?"  
  
"...What's it like?"  
  
[Saitou abruptly leaps out of the shrubbery and drags Sano off in a jealous rage toward the yaoi doujinshi next door. Shaking his head, Kenshin catches up to Kaoru, who whispers in his ear.]  
  
"All right, let's fill up the kid with sake when we get home so we can get back to naked party time!"  
  
[Kenshin collapses in a swirly-eyed heap of nosebleeding "oro".] 


	7. fish

[The scene: a small restaurant. Other than the proprietor, it is completely empty except for one customer sitting in a corner and not-so-quietly drinking himself into oblivion between verses of his song. He stops singing for a moment when someone else walks in, ringing the bell attached to the door, but then resumes.]  
  
"Ninety-three bottles of sake to go, ninety-three bottles to go-"  
  
*jingle*  
  
"-Take one jug and give it a chug, ninety-two bottles of sake to go..."  
  
"Irrashaimase! Welcome to the Akai-sakana!" [ = "red fish"]  
  
"Hello there, my good woman."  
  
"What can I do for you?"  
  
"Well, I was wandering aimlessly through Japan and moping about my past sins when suddenly, I came over all peckish."  
  
"Peckish?"  
  
"Esuriant."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"My stomach felt as empty as an otaku's wallet after AnimeExpo."  
  
"Ah, you're hungry then!"  
  
"In a nutshell. Wherefore as I passed your fine establishment of marine dining, I decided to abandon my self-recrimination for the nonce and embark on a quest for ichthyophagy."  
  
"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that."  
  
"I'd like to buy some sushi."  
  
"Ah yes, sushi! I thought you were complaining about that drunk guy singing in the corner!"  
  
("Eighty-three bottles of sake to go, eighy-three bottles to go....")  
  
"Heaven forfend; I delight in all manner of emulations of Ame-no-Uzume."  
  
"So he can go on singing, can he?"  
  
"Certainly. Now then, some sushi, if you please."  
  
"Of course. What kind would you like?'  
  
"Hmm, let's see-how about some maguro-temaki?"  
  
"I'm very sorry, but we're fresh out of maguro."  
  
"Never mind then, how about some odoro-ebi?"  
  
"I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday."  
  
"Tish tish. No matter. Well, fair maiden, four pieces of gyoza, if you please."  
  
"Er. The wrappers have been on order for two weeks, sir. Was expecting them this morning."  
  
"It's not my lucky day, is it? Inari-zushi?"  
  
"Sorry, sir."  
  
"Futo-maki?"  
  
"Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down."  
  
"Unagi-maki?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Nori-tama?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oshi-zushi?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Natto-maki? Maki-mono? Hamachi-sashimi?"  
  
"No, I'm afraid we're all out of those."  
  
"I know-- how about unagi no kimoi?"  
  
"Ah! We do have that."  
  
"Excellent! Fetch hither the delectable innards of the noble eel! Mmmmwah!"  
  
"I'm afraid it's a bit runny, sir."  
  
"Oh, that's all right; I like it runny."  
  
"It's a bit runnier than you might like/."  
  
"I don't care how *bleeping* runny it is; hand it over with all speed."  
  
"Very well, sir." (pokes around counter for a bit) "....Er, the cat's eaten it."  
  
"Has he now?"  
  
"She, sir."  
  
("Take one jug and give it a chug, seventy-one bottles of sake to go...")  
  
"Kaiware-maki?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Hotategai-nigiri?"  
  
"No."  
  
"...You do have some sushi here, don't you?"  
  
"Of course, sir; this is a sushi shop. We have-"  
  
"No, don't tell me; I'm keen to guess. Akagi-nigiri?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Ama-ebi?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Hirame?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Tai?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Excellent! I'll have some of that, then!"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry; I thought you were talking to me. Sekihara Tae, that's my name."  
  
("Sixty-four bottles of sake to go, sixty-four bottles to go...")  
  
"...Ikura?"  
  
"Not as such, sir."  
  
"Mirugai?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Hokki gai?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Ah, I know- how about some California rolls?"  
  
"I'm afraid we never make those around here, sir."  
  
"Never make them around here? They're the single most popular sushi in the world!"  
  
"Not around here, sir."  
  
"And what sort of sushi is the most popular around here?"  
  
"Oshinko-maki."  
  
"Really."  
  
"Oh yes. It's staggeringly popular."  
  
"Very well- 'Have you got any,' he asked, fully expecting the answer 'no.'"  
  
"I'll have a look... nnnnnnnooooo."  
  
"It's not much of a sushi-ya, is it?"  
  
"Finest in the district.!"  
  
"Explain the logic underlying that, if you would be so kind."  
  
"...Well, it's so clean, sir."  
  
"It's certainly uncontaminated by sushi."  
  
"You haven't asked me about fugu."  
  
"Would it be worth the asking?"  
  
"Could be, sir."  
  
("Take one jug and give it a chug, forty-six bottles of sake to go...")  
  
"Have you-" (completely loses it for a second) "WOULD YOU SHUT THAT BLOODY KARAOKE UP!!!!"  
  
(From the corner, Sano flips him the bird and gently slides under the table.)  
  
"Told you, sir."  
  
(takes several deep breaths to regain calm) "Have you got any fugu?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Figures. Predictable, really. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me something-"  
  
"Yes sir?"  
  
"Do you have in fact any sushi here at all."  
  
"Yes, sir!"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"...No, not really. I was deliberately wasting your time."  
  
"Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to go Battousai on you."  
  
(hastily) "But I could whip up something for you on the spot! The local specialty, you'll love it!"  
  
"You don't say."  
  
(produces a plate from a supersonic whirl of hands and rice) "Here you go, sir."  
  
(momentarily appeased) "Excellent! Itadakimasu!" (takes a bite) "...Er, what is this, exactly?"  
  
"Well, sir, you may have noticed that we're a bit inland from the seashore..."  
  
"...?"  
  
"And the big 'Aloha' sign over the door..."  
  
"...?"  
  
"And how the picture of our 'red fish' looks kinds of rectangular..."  
  
"...?"  
  
"Actually, we specialize in the favorite Hawaiian mutation of sushi: spam musubi! Though I could also make some lovely spam nigiri, spam maki, spam gunkan, spam shioyaki, spam temaki, spam tempura, spam donburi, msio soup with spam, spam-katsu, cold soba with dipping sauce and spam, deep-fried spam skins stuffed with rice and spam, spam teriyaki, thin spam omelets wrapped around steamed spam....."  
  
[Some random Vikings descend from the ceiling, singing lustily. Sano wakes back up and starts to accompany them with total lack of harmony. Further deponent sayeth not.]  
  
("Twenty-eight riceballs of spam on the wall, twenty-eight riceballs of spam....") 


	8. dingo

[Kenshin is stumbling through the rainy night, searching for redemption. Suddenly, it appears to him, floating just above a small building off the street. He staggers to the gate and pounds on it.]  
  
"Open the door! Open the door! In the name of the Emperor, open the-oro!"  
  
[The door opens. He splats onto his face at the feet of a young woman.]  
  
"Welcome, good sir samurai. Welcome to the dojo of Cholera Kasshin."  
  
"Cholera?"  
  
[embarrassed] "It's not a very nice name, is it? -Oh, but *we* are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need!"  
  
"Are you the guardian of a redemptively nonfatal style of swordsmanship?"  
  
"A what?"  
  
"A way I can still kick ass without cutting it in half. Like the sakabatou I just saw over your dojo. Is it here?"  
  
"Oh, but you are tired and must rest. Let me show you to your room. What is your name?"  
  
"Er..."  
  
"A man of mystery! Well, my name is Kaoru, and I see I will have to call you 'Samurai X'."  
  
"Please don't. My name is Himura Kenshin. Kaoru-dono-"  
  
[leaning very very closely] "Kaoru. Just Kaoru. Oh, but do come along."  
  
"Look, please! I need the sakabatou!"  
  
"Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious!"  
  
"Please, I simply need to get the sakabatou, and-"  
  
"Himura-san, you would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality, would you?" [Defeated, he follows her down the hall as she continues.] "I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are just a group of innocent, nubile young women, living in this dojo with no one to protect us. It is a lonely life: dressing, undressing, finding new knots for obi... we are just not used to handsome swordsmen. Come, lie down here. Oh, but you are wounded!"  
  
"No, it's nothing-"  
  
"You must see the doctor immediately! I will send her in at once!"  
  
[startled] "You're a doctor?!"  
  
"I do have comprehensive medical experience. Lie back and relax while I examine you. (Ohohohoho!)"  
  
"No really, it's been healed over for a long time already, and-er, the scar is on my face, so what are you doing with my hakama?"  
  
"Lie still, I said. Now turn your head and cough-"  
  
"-Oro! This cannot be! I am sworn to self-recriminating misery! I have seen the sakabatou above this dojo, and you must take me to it immediately!"  
  
"But there's no sakabatou here."  
  
"Torment me no longer! The sakabatou is here, I know it!" [He tears loose from Megumi and bursts into the next room, which turns out to be a particularly exciting doujinshi. Yumi winks at him from a hot tub. After some struggle, he flees back into the hallway and straight into his hostess again as the other girls follow him.]  
  
"Sir samurai?"  
  
"Kaoru-dono, I-"  
  
"Have we met?"  
  
"Yes! You let me into this dojo, and-"  
  
"Oh dear, Tomoe must have been using her little brother's life-size doll of me again. But-did you say 'sakabatou'?"  
  
"Yes- I saw it shining above the roof of the dojo!"  
  
"No-oh, no! Bad, naughty Tomoe! First the doll, and now she has been playing with the giant glow-in-the-dark sakabatou as well, when she knows we must save such things for special occasions! She has been a very bad girl, and she must be punished. And here at the Cholera Kasshin dojo, we have only one punishment. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her!"  
  
"A spanking! A spanking!"  
  
"You must spank her well, and after that, you may deal with her as you like. And then, you must spank me."  
  
"And me!" "And me!" "And me!"  
  
"Yes, we are completely at your mercy. Here, take my obi!" [Without the obi, the rest of her clothing falls off.]  
  
"Er. Perhaps I could stay for a little while..."  
  
"Excellent! And after the spanking, the-"  
  
[Saitou bursts in through the gate.] "Himura, quick!"  
  
"Oh, hello."  
  
"You are in great peril!"  
  
"No he isn't."  
  
"You know, she's got a point."  
  
"Silence, foul temptress! I can see through your disguises-you are not women, but animals!"  
  
"I'll say. Look, I'm fine-"  
  
"No, literally! Can you not see? We are surrounded by forest creatures in kimono: a lost cat, a tanuki-girl, a fox-woman, and that one looks like a weasel!"  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Now come on! I will cover your escape!"  
  
"No! I can take them on single-handed!"  
  
"Yes, let him take us on single-handed!"  
  
[Saitou drags him out anyway.] "You could at least look grateful. I saved you from grave peril."  
  
"No you didn't."  
  
"Yes. You were in great, terrible peril."  
  
"Well, I think that according to the code of bushido, it's my duty to sample as much peril as I can."  
  
"No. We have to go stop Shishio."  
  
"Let me go back and have just a little bit of peril?"  
  
"No, it's far too perilous."  
  
"I bet you're yaoi."  
  
"No I'm not."  
  
[Sano hurtles out of a random shrubbery to give Saitou payback for a previous installment. Freed to confront his own personal perils again, Kenshin dashes back to the dojo to meet them head-on. He beats them easily.] 


	9. badger

[After the long journey to Kyoto, Kenshin and Saitou are looking for somewhere to stay. They spot a likely-looking place, but the doors are locked and the lights are out.]  
  
"Hello?"  
  
[No response.]  
  
"Hello! Is there anyone in there?"  
  
[Misao peeks over the wall and addresses them in her very best Kansai-ben.]  
  
"Allo! Who is eet?"  
  
"I am Himura Kenshin, and this is Sait-" [Saitou kicks him] "-I mean, Goro Fujita. What is this building?"  
  
"Zees is ze Aoiya Inn of ze Oniwabanshuu."  
  
"The Oniwabanshuu? What're you doing in the Meiji era?"  
  
"Mind your own business! What do you want?"  
  
"Go and tell your Okashira that if he will give us food and shelter for the night, he may join us on our quest for my new sakabatou."  
  
"I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see?"  
  
[among themselves]  
  
"What?"  
  
"She says they've already got one." [to Misao again:] "Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes, eet's very nice." [She whispers to Okon and Omasu, "I told him we already got one." They all snicker.]  
  
"Er, could we come in and take a look at it?"  
  
"Of course not! You are Imperialist types!"  
  
"What are you then?"  
  
"We are ze former ninja bodyguard of ze Shogunate! Why do you think we have zees outrageous butt-bows, you silly rurouni?"  
  
"If you will not give us the sakabatou, we will enter your inn by force!"  
  
"You don't frighten us, Meiji pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, you so-called Goro Fujita, and your silly Hitokiri Ba-TOW-sai!" [She makes very rude noises at them.]  
  
"What a strange person."  
  
"Now look here-"  
  
"I don't wanna talk to you no more, you soba-sucking nicotine-addicted turncoat! I fart in your general direction! And as for you, your shishou has cirrhosis and your girlfriend is a tanuki!"  
  
"Is there someone else up there we could talk to?"  
  
"No! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time."  
  
"Now really, we've been more than reasonable-"  
  
[Misao whispers to the others:] "Usagi wo kudasai."  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"Usagi wo kudasai 'tte!" [They bring her a cute fluffy bunny.]  
  
[Outside again, the guys are getting cross.] "If you do not agree to our commands, then-"  
  
[The bunny is catapulted over the wall at them.] *sproing*  
  
"What the-oh, it's only a harmless rabbit, it-"  
  
[The vorpal rabbit leaps up and gnashes the heck out of them.]  
  
"Run away!" "Run away!" 


	10. elephant

(Houji shows a new recruit around Juppongatana headquarters, flinging a window wide open.)

"One day, all of this will be ours."

"What, the shoji screens?"

(whap) "No, not the shoji screens-- every inch of Japan, stretched out over the hills and valleys of these islands! We'll rule the whole country, lad!"

"But Yumi-san--"

(whap) "I told you, I'm Houji."

"But Houji-san, I don't want any of that."

"It'll be easy. All you've got to do is defeat Battousai. The first agent we sent fell in love with him and died. The second agent got his sword-arm broken, but didn't die. The third agent got his sword-arm broken, had his life spared at the last minute, but then commited seppuku anyway and died. But the fourth one-- ah, the fourth one was shot in the head, then burned down, fell over, and sank into the swamp-- but he **didn't **die! And that's who our leader is today, lad, the strongest man in the Meiji era!"

"But I don't want any of that... I'd rather..."

"Rather what!"

"I'd rather... just... sing!"

(J-pop begins to play in the background, but is screeched to a halt by Houji.) "Cut that out, you're not performing any image songs while I'm here. Now listen, we live on a bloody oil rig. We need to get rice from somewhere!"

"But I don't want to haul bales of rice around..."

"No, I told you already, you're going to fight Battousai! In fifteen minutes you're going to make Lord Shishio the ruler of Japan!"

"...But I don't like him."

(whap) "Don't like him! What's wrong with him? He's strong, he's clever, he's strong, he's got a huuuge... roll of bandages--"

"I know, but I'd like the leader I follow to have a certain... special... something..."

(J-pop is squelched again.) "I said stop that! Listen, Okita--"

"No, I'm Soujirou!"

"Right. Soujirou. Look, you're going to fight Battousai, so you'd better get used to the idea!"

(Houji leaves. While waiting, Soujirou surreptitiously taps out a message on the telegraph in the corner. Eventually, Kenshin shows up.)

"Fair maiden, this one is here to serve you, and-- oro?"

"You've come to save me! You got my telegram!"

"Er. This one received **a** telegram..."

"I knew that someone... somewhere... someday..."

(Houji reappears, cutting off the "West Side Story" solo.) "Battousai-- so you killed Anji, Usui, and Aoshi, did you?"

"Not as such, no..."

"Damn it, now we'll have to pay them sick leave!"

(Soujirou edges onto the bridge.) "Don't be afraid of him, Himura-san-- I've got our escape all planned out..."

(still speaking to Houji) "Terribly sorry, but this one thought he was a lady."

"No, Kamatari's the transvestite around here! Unless you mean Yumi."

"...See, if we jump off the bridge right here, we can land safely on Saitou's trampoline, and then we'll be free! Free to wander around Japan for ten years as penniless wanderers together! Bliss! Joy! Yaoi!"

(Kenshin sidles closer to Houji, away from Soujirou.) "Do you mean the legendary Yumi-dono? Famous girl she was during the Bakumatsu, famous girl."

(climbing over the railing) "I'm ready, Himura-san!"

"That's our Yumi. Say, would you like to come along and speak to her? I believe she was very well known for her silver... tongue."

"Oro! That would be... very pleasant. This one would welcome the opportunity."

"Himura-san, please hurry!"

(Soujirou dangles from his fingertips until Houji kicks him off.)

"Aieeeeeee..." (thud)

(They look over the side of the bridge.)

"Shoddy foreign imports."

"They don't make trampolines like they used to, that they do not."

(The curtain falls after Soujirou. They exit.)


	11. wolf

(Note: This entire installment may be completely off, since my only knowledge of Japanese comes from juggling various reference books in an attempt to translate doujinshi :b )

(In order to join the Sekihoutai, Sanosuke has been sent out on a hazing mission. As he scrawls graffiti on the walls of Kyoto, Saitou catches him by surprise.)

"What's all this then? What're you doing?"

(panicked eep) "Um, er, nothing really."

"And that's why there's a writing brush in your hand, is it? What's this written on the wall in front of you? 'Shinsengumi wa baka wo arimasu', eh? 'About the Shinsengumi thing exists an idiot'?"

"It, uh, says, 'The Shinsengumi are idiots.'"

(pinches a firm grip onto Sano's ear with one hand and snatches his writing brush with the other) "No it doesn't. Are the Shinsengumi the main focus of your sentence, or just the general context?"

"Ow! They, they're the main focus."

"And what particle does that require?"

"Um, it needs 'ga'. 'Shinsengumi ga baka wo arimasu'?"

(Saitou crosses out the "wa", and writes "ga" on top of it, but scowls at the next particle down the line.) "What's that 'wo' doing there?"

"It's marking the direct object of the verb 'arimasu'. Isn't it? Ow ow ow!"

(Saitou patiently tightens his grip.) "What does 'arimasu' mean? Come on!"

"Ow! Um, it's, um, 'arimasu' means 'is'!"

"But what _kind_ of 'is'?"

"An-- I mean, inanimate existence!"

"That's right, inanimate existence, for things like rocks and tofu. Are the Shinsengumi inanimate objects like rocks and tofu, or are they living beings?"

"They're alive! So, um, 'imasu' then?"

"But you're not just indicating their mere existence; you're declaring their equivalence to idiots! So what verb do you need for that?"

(Sano winces as Saitou twists his earlobe counterclockwise) "The copula-- 'desu'?"

"'Desu' is the polite form of the copula. Is this statement supposed to be polite, or is it an insult?"

"An insult-- so the plain form 'da'. Right?"

"So the plain form 'da', or you can entirely omit the copula. Does the copula take a direct object? Well?" (brandishes the writing brush nearly up Sano's nose)

"N-- no! No, it doesn't!"

(Saitou nods brusquely, crosses out the "wo arimasu", and then almost as an afterthought swipes a few strokes of ink onto the back of Sano's jacket before returning the writing brush.) "That's better. 'Shinsengumi ga baka', got it?"

"Y-- yes, sir."

"Very good. Now, write it out one hundred times, and this time use kanji. If you're not done by sunrise, you'd better commit seppuku. Oh, and Aku Soku Zan." (He departs to resume his patrol.)

"Aku Soku Zan, sir." (Sano echoes the motto in the direction of Saitou's departure, then slumps his shoulders and sighs. Across his back, the ink of the freshly-written "aku" kanji dries in the middle of a target nest to the instructions "Aim gatotsu here".)


	12. herring

(Saitou and Okubo have been wandering around in the woods in search of a certain scarred redhead, and suddenly encounter someone who they'd swear was him if it weren't for this person's bizarre fashion sense and doofy expression.)

"Excuse me, but we're looking for the Hitokiri Battousai. Are you-?"

(They recoil at the strange sound he makes in reply.) "Oro?"

"We need him to come fight Shishio. He-"

"Oro?"

"Now stop that! We're serious! If you don't help-"

"Orororo?"

(They retreat, feeling their own brain cells pop and die every time they hear that. As they attempt to recover, a mighty figure steps out and looms over then, billowing with arrogant snark.) "For now, this baka deshi is a mere rurouni, protected by the sacred words 'Oro?', 'sessha', and 'de gozaru'."

"Oro?"

(Hiko smacks him to shut up.) "If you truly wish to speak to him, I will allow it on one condition."

"Now look here, we don't have time for this nonsense. The entire fate of Japan is in the balance. Can't we just-?"

"Oro? Oro? Oro?"

(They cower appropriately.)

"You must go back out of the forest to town, and bring me back... a jug of sake!"

"A jug of- but you're already *holding* a jug of sake! And there's a huge pile of more behind you! Why on earth-"

"Oro?"

"-Gaaah!"

"That is merely my recycling pile. You must bring me more sake!"

(grumbling) "Oh, all right. Sake. We'll go look for some."

"A big jug, not just One-Cup Ozeki."

"Fine."

"With sound aesthetic principles in its shape and glaze."

"Yes, yes."

"Now- GO!"

(They go. After sundry difficulties, they return.)

"Here. We have brought you more sake."

"Yes. It is a nice jug, with a good vintage. I particularly like the earthy yet ethereal fragrance, and the impertinent toffee-nosed legs reminiscent of lark's vomit."

"May we now speak to your rurouni who says 'Oro'?"

(Hiko glares sternly down at them.) "He is no longer just the rurouni who says 'Oro'. He is now the hitokiri who says 'Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu Amakakeru no Hirameki'!"

("Oro?")

"But that's not fair!"

(Hiko thwacks Kenshin into silence) "Therefore, he is no longer contractually bound by any previous agreements referring to the rurouni who says 'Oro'!" Instead, you must now accomplish a special test to gain access to the hitokiri who says 'Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu Amakakeru no Hirameki'!"

("Oro?" *ker-thwack*)

(sigh) "All right, what is this test?"

"First, you must fetch me... another jug of sake! And then bring it back here to refill this first jug of sake, which will probably be empty by then, and line up my entire recycling pile of empty jugs on that wall."

"All ninety-nine of them? We shall do no such thing! Come on, Saitou, let's forget about it. We can defeat Shishio without the Hitokiri Battousai!"

(Hiko recoils.) "What did you say?"

(Okubo repeats himself very carefully.) "The Hitokiri Bat-TOW-sai?"

"Do not use that pronunciation from the dub! It is beyond the endurance of any serious otaku!"

"But what's wrong with saying 'Bat-TOW-sai'? What else are we supposed to call Mr. Hi-MOO-ra?"

(To Hiko's relief, Saitou shushes Okubo by discreetly stabbing him in the face.) "I think that's covered under 'Aku Soku Zan'. Would you like a cigarette?"

"Perhaps after the end of a yaoi doujinshi, though I *never* take this cape off."

"Eh. Same with my gloves."

(The two snarkmeisters commence posing for the doujinshi cover art while Kenshin passes out, all swirly-eyed and nosebleedy.) "Ororororooooo..."


End file.
